Issa the Pisser

Martial, Epigrams 1.109

Who scraps harder than Catullus’s badass
Sparrow? Who’s purer than Milton’s impreg-
nating dove, hotter than the Flying
Scorpion, pole-riding Empress of Lap-
land, swankier than a facefull of
The wildest beluga caviar? Yes,
Issa, that darling lapdog of Publius.
She yelps with the acid tongue of silver-
Palated Demosthenes on the
Humiliations and ecstasies of
The canine condition. And when she needs
A piss, lovely Issa, the sheets remain spotless;
She raises her snout from her pillow, gazes
Deep in his eyes, scrapes his cheek with her
...